Sorry its been a while since my last blog in fact almost a month… Well a lot has been going on from doctors appointments to seeing professionals to help me with getting further help with my Aspergers so I can learn how to cope better in this world I find hard to see sense in.
Well week on Tuesday I went along to see the psychiatrist to help get my diagnosis since my medical history from when I was at school had been lost in the system but back then I was diagnosed to only have a mild form of it, but back then I didn’t open up I just wanted to be left alone which could be why my rating at the time was so low to what it is now.
So my time spent with the psychiatrist went well it went on for a good hour… I was asked a lot of personal questions about my behaviour and the way I think to my back ground. I was asked at the end if I’d like to go on some anti depressants now since my mum is a mental health nurse I knew she would say no to them but I wanted to say yes just to see what the medication would actually do to me… I guess you could say I was my own ginny pig to see if the meds actually would increase my way of life for the better or if it would make it much worse… I was pretty open minded but I do find it hard to believe that the way to resolve a mental issue is done by simply taking a tablet once every day.
Day 1. So after leaving the psychiatrist I made another appointment for a months time for another session and to help me with the next step to receiving further help, this is with a private service which is why things are happening so quickly… After this I went into mums car who took me up there that day since I didn’t feel like driving and we went to the chemist to get my medication I was prescribed… I was given Escitalopram to take which boosts the brain with a chemical that the body naturally produces. Once I got home I took one of the tablets and then waited to see what would happen and at first nothing felt different but later on that night while I was watching a movie at 10:00pm I had this sick feeling and a headache came out of no where just like someone flicked this switch.
Day 2. I felt so sick like my insides where a mess and my head felt like it was full of fluid as my hearing changed so things where in muffed in a way and I felt more depressed because of it… now I react quite badly to side effects which is the main reason I stay clear of a lot of medications… On this day I went up to a friends place for breakfast and a chat about this stuff… I did notice as I was driving up that my focus wasn’t like how it was normal and my vision was impaired I found it harder to read signs that where 50 meters away and this didn’t chance for the length of the day… I went went home just after mid day and had a kip as I was tired then after I watched a movie before going to bed again…
Day 3 and 4. I stayed at home both days I didn’t want to leave the house as I was feeling so tired and depressed because of it… I also wasn’t very hungry so I just kept up my fluid levels drinking fruit juice and soft drinks the thought of food made me sick even though I was starving my head and senses wouldn’t allow food to enter and when I did I felt like bringing it back up even after only a few mouth falls. I would wake up at 8:00 or 9:00am then have another sleep at 3:00pm this was becoming apart of my routine in my day and I would sleep for 2-3 hours… then wake up and go back to bed 4 hours later and repeat…
This made me very antisocial and made me start to dough my life and I started to also give up and just let the meds take over…
Day 5. I got up early to take some bird photos with a friend early on in the morning I was forcing myself to get out even though I wasn’t feeling right… I managed to say out for 4 hours before going back home where I checked out the photos I had taken and edited some before going for my sleep at 3:00pm that I needed as I was so tired at this point… after this I just watched things on my computer be it on youtube or shows on my external hard drive before going to sleep.
Day 6. This was my worse effected day as I was feeling so weak and my mum could see a notice a huge change in my behaviour as all my motivation had gone out the window and I was so badly depressed due to the effects of the medication… this say I was sleeping more than I had ever done before I mean like I was awake for 2 hours then going back to sleep for 2-3 hours then up again for 1 hour then another sleep for 2 then up for a few minutes before needing to lay down in bed… This day my mum made me my favourite dinner and I managed to eat quite a bit but when I was about to finish I got this really sick feeling where if I kept going everything was going to come back up! no joke and my head was pounding plus that spinning feeling… No matter what I was doing nothing was getting better and I was in fact loosing weight.
Day 7. In the morning I was feeling so fed up I had hardly even eaten anything in the past week and I was feeling so fed up with everything and I was even more tired than yesterday to the point of waking up after 10 hours sleep and needing to go back to bed 1 hour later for more sleep… it wasn’t until it was time to take my meds with mum in the room I chose not to take anymore as theses tablets where not helping me… before stopping them completely we looked up the side effects which are these below in this quote.
You should check with your doctor immediately if any of these side effects occur when taking escitalopram:
- decreased urine output
- fast or irregular heartbeat
- increased thirst
- muscle pain or cramps
- nausea or vomiting
- shortness of breath
- swelling of the face, ankles, or hands
- unusual tiredness or weakness
Some of the side effects that can occur with escitalopram may not need medical attention. As your body adjusts to the medicine during treatment these side effects may go away. Your health care professional may also be able to tell you about ways to reduce or prevent some of these side effects. If any of the following side effects continue, are bothersome or if you have any questions about them, check with your health care professional:
- decreased interest in sexual intercourse
- dry mouth
- ejaculation delay
- gas in the stomach
- inability to have or keep an erection
- loss in sexual ability, desire, drive, or performance
- sleepiness or unusual drowsiness
- trouble sleeping
- Bloated or full feeling
- burning, crawling, itching, numbness, prickling, “pins and needles”, or tingling feelings
- decreased appetite
- excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines
- general feeling of discomfort or illness
- increased sweating
- joint pain
- muscle aches and pains
- not able to have an orgasm
- pain in the neck or shoulders
- pain or tenderness around the eyes and cheekbones
- passing gas
- runny nose
- sore throat
- stuffy nose
- tightness of the chest
- tooth problems
- trouble breathing
- unusual dreams
- unusual drowsiness, dullness, tiredness, weakness or feeling of sluggishness
From this I was having a cough, runny nose, stiff joints, tightness of the chest, yawning, decreased appetite, muscle aches and pains, sleepiness and unusual drowsiness, general feeling of illness, dizziness, nausea, confusion and short term memory loss.
So this was enough for me to stop this otherwise I knew it would only get worse and to dig myself out of the hole I had been getting myself into would only be so much harder to get myself out of later down the line as I would have isolated myself from everyone, been so deeply depressed as I wouldn’t want to leave the house it was actually getting this way and I could have easily kept going with this as i was having a routine that had been settling in… All my drive would have left me and I would have been so weak to do anything I dreamed to do before.
So now I’m not going to take anymore medication to “help” my state of mind the only way that will change is by me physically doing it and I think us with Aspergers shouldn’t be on this stuff well most of us anyway as I found out that I’m not the only one who uses depression as a good thing as its a very good thing to use as tool to drive us forward as it makes you appreciate the small things in life and drives you towards your bigger goals in life… I do also suffer from anxiety but I’m going to keep it how it is right now and just deal with things myself.
So my final decision on this topic from a personal experience even though it was only short is medication the way out or a way of suppressing the feelings… for me I don’t think so I see it as a big thing the medical industry can make a load of money out of us and get us locked into believing our issues can be solved with theses tiny tablets in a small packet promising change… Sure there are people out there that really need this stuff and without it they can’t function since there body isn’t producing enough of what is needed but I don’t think depression should be treated with medication at all its so wrong and the list of side effects go on… just check that link out in the quote above at the start and you’ll see what I mean!.
So now what… Well now I’m going to work on getting this stuff out of my system and possibly go out somewhere nice before going down south to cover a race meeting with stills and video 🙂
Image at the top was found on google images linked into this site.